so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
