I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
