I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
