How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she woke up with a sticky ear
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
