i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
