Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
