apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
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Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
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If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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