you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize