why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
