So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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