Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
We got so high we made milksteak
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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