I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
