Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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