Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
