just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
