Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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