Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
