bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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