I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
