No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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