How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
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I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
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I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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