i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
