Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
