yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
