I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
