I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
