My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
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I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
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TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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