Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
