What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
