Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
