dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
