I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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