Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
