i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
