Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
