just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We won't sleep together?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
