I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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