Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
