I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
