No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
