your parents love me but you hate me
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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