I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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