You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
