Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I need a burrito and a hug.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
