I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
