I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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