It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
