Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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