Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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