Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
