I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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