dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
