what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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