I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
