I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She's the barista slut.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
