Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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